On attachment in male-female relationships.

How do parents influence the development of a child’s personality?

And it’s at this moment (and sometimes even before birth) that a trauma can be inflicted, which will later contribute to the development of dependence. We suffered great harm when we were taken away from our mother at the maternity hospital. They soon returned us. But the experience left its mark on our future lives. The connection was severed when it was most needed for survival. My universe abandoned me. For many, even in adulthood, this experience prompts us to seek our “mother”—a person who can give us the same love and support. Often, this “parent” is the chosen one. We become psychologically united with them. It seems as if each partner has now taken responsibility for the other’s destiny. Ultimately, they have ceased to be responsible for their own. In common parlance, this is expressed by the phrase, “I can’t live without you.” Such statements are meant to terrify, not delight, but all romantic literature teaches otherwise.

How are images of ideal relationships created?

We’re conditioned to imagine ideal relationships where a person’s entire world narrows to their partner. It would be wonderful to reach a state of enlightenment like “there’s no one who loves, only the beloved,” but why is it so painful when your beloved chooses to spend the evening elsewhere? A hurt lover immediately begins to assert their needs with full force! When a guest loves and pets your cat, you’re touched. But what if your woman is petted? Why not?

Normally, everyone develops their own attachments, that “yin-yang” in which they exchange energy with others. Not everyone succeeds. Some lose themselves in these relationships, striving to create “one whole” with the other. And this is only possible if the chosen one has also experienced trauma and also wants to “merge.” Thus, we fall in love not with the person, but with their trauma. A healthy person will not fall for the offer to “become one.” They will withdraw from the relationship, refusing to be part of the union.

How to break up with someone you love?

Beyond the question, “Who is more important to me?”, there’s another criterion: “Can I live happily without you?” A healthy person reasons like this: “There are many people in the world. At this point in my life, I choose you. But if it’s not mutual, I’ll definitely find someone who makes me happy and who wants to be with me. If you leave me, it will hurt, but I’ll cope with my feelings and move on.”

When parting with a loved one, first and foremost, acknowledge their contributions. Thank them for spending so much of their life with you and for giving so much. Keep in your heart all the good things that happened between you. Gratitude is an essential part of a farewell. Without it, the relationship will remain unfinished, and you’ll continue to look for someone else with whom you could further develop it, instead of building new ones.

How does a child’s personality develop?

Imagine you weren’t brave as a child, but you overcame your fear. Maybe it took you a while, but you conquered fences, logs, and other obstacles. You didn’t consider yourself weak until, say, you reached fifth grade. It turned out there were bullies and leaders. And you couldn’t stand up to them. Your parents advised you to “be smarter.” But you so desperately wanted a pep talk. But instead, you learned to use your wits: during tests and exams, everyone is friends with the top students. And if you can negotiate, they won’t bother you during the breaks either (I did).

You understood how difficult it was to be dependent on the moods of others. But you never learned to defend yourself. Instead, you became interested in confident people who could stand up for themselves. You wanted to emulate them. And associate with them. Since then, you’ve been drawn to such people, but they, it seems, aren’t quite so drawn to you.

Inna Kolombet says that if, at a certain point in our lives, we betray ourselves and stop developing in a direction that’s important to us, we prevent the power inherent within us from unfolding. It becomes a secondary process for us: not something we identify with, but something we strive for. And in response, it strives into our lives in the form of friends, acquaintances, and events. We rush to merge with this energy. But when we approach it, we discover that we can’t go beyond a certain point. It’s as if we’ve been enchanted: “Don’t sit on a stump, don’t eat pie, don’t push your opinions, don’t stick your neck out, don’t show your feelings, care about your safety more than your dignity, etc.”

Try to take responsibility for your actions.

As the psychologist suggests, mentally revisit the traumatic situation, summon up the strength within you, the anger you felt in response, the outrage at the offender’s behavior. Simply imagine yourself fighting back. Perhaps the other person is winning the argument. But you’re fighting. And you have reason to respect yourself.

A fascination with strong and confident people speaks of a desire to attract this energy into your life, provided that responsibility rests with others. You seem afraid to take it on yourself. And that’s where you should start. Following Inna Kolombet’s advice, try taking responsibility for your actions, your “no” and “yes.” “Yes, I’ll do it; yes, I know it could be dangerous; yes, I might get hurt, but I’ll survive the suffering and all the possible consequences.” Cultivate the idea that you accept any outcome of your actions. This alone will give you strength.

Only a mature person can experience true love.

Immature people enter into symbiotic relationships. And maturity, like strength, is closely linked to responsibility. You can’t be sure of the outcome of your choice. There are too many factors beyond your control. But as a mature person, you make a decision and say, “I will do this and accept the consequences of my actions.”

Let’s say you owe money and can’t pay it back. You could approach your creditor and say, “You know, I can’t pay you back right now; let’s think about how to resolve this situation.” That’s what a mature person would do. An immature person would dream of a lucky break, a win, happiness out of nowhere. In other words, if you believe you’re dependent on the world, luck, or larger forces beyond your control, you’re like a child, and the world is your parent.

Maturity is knowing that you are the result of your actions, your choices.

For a man to become complete, he needs a woman to serve and follow him. For a woman, initiation occurs, for example, at the birth of a child or separation from her parents. Following a man, believing in his strength, is like stepping into an abyss, but only after taking that step can you discover that there’s no abyss at all, but a new, uncharted, and terribly exciting territory. Separation from parents is a rather painful process. But living with them in the same space, it’s hard not to be a child. Even an astrologer asks who you live with. If you live separately from the older generation, higher planets such as Neptune, Uranus, and Pluto come into play.

People often say, “I live with my parents because it’s the best option for me.” However, during a family constellation, symbiosis, unresolved separation, and often a desire to sacrifice oneself for the sake of one’s parents’ happiness are revealed. But as soon as a person feels ready to live separately, the opportunity to move (for example, a new job) presents itself.