Pain and resentment in family relationships

But everything changes when we fall in love

We begin to trust this person, open up, and show our true selves, unguarded, “as is.” Naturally, in such moments, we are very vulnerable—not only because we are revealing our true selves, but also because this selves are accustomed to hiding behind a secure shell. It’s like a flower accustomed to growing in a greenhouse, in the most protected conditions.

What happens when we fight?

When a loved one fails to live up to our expectations—when they don’t show enough attention, come home tired and irritated, say something unpleasant—we react much more strongly than usual. It turns out that because of this inner vulnerability, we resent things we’d easily let go of in strangers on the other side of our “shell.”

We often make categorical conclusions: “You can’t trust anyone,” “They’re all assholes,” and so on. As a result, we strengthen our internal defenses, becoming defensive… and the same thing happens to your loved one. They’re also hurt, upset—and so they, too, put up their own “defenses.” A vicious circle of resentment, misunderstanding, and mutual barbs is created.

But how to get out of this circle?

The first thing you need to do is look at your relationships and understand what they give you and why they’re so important to you. Understand why you’re suffering and working so hard.

Second, try to look at yourself from the outside and discern your personal defenses. Open up these dark chambers of your consciousness and answer the question: “What do I really want when I’m offended? Why do I express my need in this way?”

Perhaps you overreact when a loved one comes home from a work party because your father or mother was an alcoholic. Or perhaps your parents were overly strict, so you become aggressive whenever you see the slightest hint of a restriction on your personal freedom? Or perhaps you’re used to getting everything on demand and become offended when your loved one doesn’t respond as sensitively as you’d like.

Trust can be restored

After this, it will be much easier for you to find common ground with your loved one. Firstly, you’ll be able to explain what’s really bothering you. Secondly, you’ll realize that your partner has similar “skeletons in the closet” and will be more understanding of their problems.

You can discover all of this within yourself, but in that case, there’s a high risk of hurting yourself against your own defenses and returning to the same path again. It’s not easy to reveal all your sore spots, even to yourself, and you need to exercise great caution in this matter.