How to Strengthen Your Marriage? Advice from a Psychologist
Renowned psychologist and family relations expert John Gottman, based on his longitudinal research into the causes of marital breakdown, concluded that there are four so-called “horsemen of the marriage apocalypse.” These are the four ways a husband, wife, or both behave in conflict situations that lead to divorce:
- Criticism – quarrels are accompanied by constant comments and barbs towards the partner.
- Contempt is an unconscious behavior (eye rolling, sarcasm, ridicule) that is based on disgust towards your partner.
- Defensive behavior – partners constantly blame each other, justifying themselves and therefore are unable to see their mistakes.
- A wall is resistance that manifests itself in a reluctance to discuss anything, to be physically close, or to make efforts to resolve the conflict.
These four strategies keep couples stuck in a negative cycle of conflict and block constructive discussion of contentious issues. I really like the comparison between partners and aliens, as John Gray argued in his bestseller, “Women Are from Venus, Men Are from Mars.” After all, each of us truly grew up in our own unique family system, with its own rules, beliefs, and traditions. When we partner up, we assume that our “Martian” rules and principles are correct, while our “Venusian” ones are not, and vice versa. Defending our beliefs, we make numerous demands, forgetting that to be happy, we need to be curious about how life works on another “planet,” admit that there might be something useful there, and reconsider our beliefs and stereotypes ingrained since childhood. Ultimately, we need to reach a compromise. And to do this, partners always need to communicate with each other not from a position of complaint, but from a position of expectation (“I wish you…”).
Then conflicts will contribute to the growth of the couple and each individual, and the marriage will be long and strong.