Gaslighting: What is it and how can you tell if it’s happening to you?

Such a substitution of reality occurs that the victim gradually begins to realize that “something is wrong with me.” Doubts about their sanity and a feeling of losing ground emerge. The victim may physically feel their surroundings shifting—as if the walls are moving and the ground is slipping away from beneath their feet.

Who are these rapists?

These could be spouses, parents, partners, co-workers, or friends. Any significant figure with whom the abuser has a close enough relationship, otherwise it would be impossible for the abuser to influence and control them.

Yes, these people don’t always commit their actions consciously. Very often, it’s due to an inability or intense fear to admit it.

“I’m wrong,” and thus taking their share of responsibility for the conflict, they try in every possible way to “redirect the blow,” to weaken the victim, so that only they have a “controlling stake” in the relationship.

Who is she, the victim?

Our self-esteem is formed in childhood, around our parents and significant adults, who, day after day, with their words and actions, tell us, “You exist.” We develop our self-image around them. They tell us who we are. Unfortunately, it often looks like this:

“You’re bad, you’re lazy, you’re stupid, etc.”

Moreover, a parent’s job is to help their child learn to recognize their feelings by asking about their state. What often happens in families? Parents fantasize and voice their child’s feelings and desires. As the well-known joke goes:

— Mom, am I freezing?

– No, you want to eat.

And so, taken together, we get a ready-made victim for gaslighting.

What to do if you become a victim of gaslighting?

Most importantly, remember that if your self-esteem is formed around a significant other, you definitely have more than one significant person in your life! Therefore, if you start to feel like something’s wrong, reach out to others. Talk to them and listen for changes in your state. Try to name what’s happening to you, what they’re thinking, what they’re feeling. Ask them how they feel around you, how they feel. Try to avoid phrases like, “What do you think is wrong with me?”, as this risks further blurring your reality. Be more aware of how you feel around others and be interested in how they feel around you.

And, of course, contact specialists – psychotherapists and psychiatrists.