Long-Distance Love: Flirting, Avoiding Provocation, and Relationship Boundaries
Over the past six years, Ukrainian relationships have experienced two major crises. First, there was a crisis of intimacy—when we were suddenly confined to our homes during the coronavirus pandemic, and our usual rhythm of life, with access to the outside world, work, meetings, and trips to interesting places, became impossible. As a result, couples became very close. This closeness led to many divorces—not everyone passed the intimacy test.
The next crisis arose immediately after the intimacy crisis—the crisis of long-distance relationships. When women, some with children, some without, left Ukraine. Thus, long-distance relationships became the new reality for many couples.
Let’s be honest—for some couples, distance has been surprisingly beneficial. For example, those who couldn’t end relationships rooted in habit, or, unfortunately, abusive ones, were able to end them and start a new life. But for other couples with strong feelings, it’s been incredibly difficult.
Closeness and distance aren’t just physical parameters. They’re psychological tests that reveal what was already there in the relationship. But the couple might overlook it, not notice it, because they had other things to focus on.
Intimacy during COVID has revealed how capable we are, or are not, of being together, of enduring each other in all their manifestations.
Distance during war, in turn, revealed something else: how well we can be apart while maintaining connection, trust, and a sense of “us.” Long-distance relationships quickly disillusion us. They don’t rely on spontaneity, physicality, everyday life, or whatever.
They are based on:
- Ability to speak,
- Smart ones wait,
- And the most difficult thing: to withstand uncertainty and the tension of the unknown.
It’s at this point that relationships either reshape themselves or begin to slowly crumble—not because of the distance per se, but because of the inability to withstand the tension of the unknown. You used to know your partner’s schedule and they were always within your sight, but now where are they? Are they really asleep because they’re tired and therefore not responding, or are they building another relationship somewhere else?
And here it’s important to say one more unpopular, but honest thing: not every relationship must endure these trials. And it’s not always a defeat. Sometimes it’s the end of something that could no longer be lived.
You ask: what to do?
In wartime conditions, many couples unconsciously choose a strategy of avoidance or attack:
Don’t touch on painful things or only talk about your experiences, leaving no room for lightness, flirting,
Don’t talk about fear, anger, jealousy, fatigue, or only talk about that
Don’t burden your partner with “difficult” topics or only talk about them
This is perfectly normal in abnormal circumstances, but it leads to a breakup.
Therefore, I propose the following actions:
To be in contact and not to provoke the partner’s fantasies is to take care of the other’s feelings;
Tell each other something light, interesting and positive;
Flirt: send nudes, go on Zoom dates in beautiful outfits, make love via video;
Schedule a meeting;
It is also possible to provide for boundaries in the relationship – if both have the resources for this.
This is my opinion – unpopular, but important.
I want to emphasize right away that this isn’t about devaluing intimacy or allowing anything to happen. It’s about trying to keep the relationship alive without damaging the partners’ psyches. Yes, I’m talking about intimacy, which is an essential component of a relationship. When it’s on hold for months, it’s unhealthy from every perspective—both physiologically and psychologically.
If you have a sufficient level of intimacy and trust, this point can be discussed. And you can open the boundaries to other participants.
This has a number of advantages:
It will be honest and therefore there will be no tension from my partner cheating on me or me cheating on my partner.
This can add extra excitement to your relationship. Discussion is extra excitement.
New experience
Health benefits.
Let’s face it: any male doctor will tell you that the contents negatively impact the male reproductive system and lead to inflammation. This, in turn, has an impact on subsequent psychological and physiological factors.
But this is all, of course, a very complex process. Therefore, I would strongly recommend the support of a psychotherapist who can help you navigate the difficult feelings that will naturally arise during this challenging period.