How to Recognize and Escape an Abusive Relationship

There are both male-female and female-male types of abuse. Female abusers are more likely to be people with borderline personality disorder, those who have difficulty with intimacy but don’t realize it. Conflicts and tantrums arise from time to time in the couple—this is how the abuser distances themselves from the other person.

Abusive men typically exercise a different form of influence. Narcissistic and sadistic tendencies are more often evident. Such a man may perform beautiful deeds for a woman until she becomes subservient to him. Abusers are excellent courters, but once the bird is “caged,” freedom is restricted. The woman is watched, her actions are controlled, and she is literally confined within four walls. Husband, home, children, household chores—and nothing else.

A psychologist says you should be wary if your partner tries to limit your communication with friends and family.

You may also be asked to give up your job. This can be presented under two pretexts. The first: “Darling, why bother? Just sit at home, take care of yourself, cook, and wait for me to get home from work. We have a living, you can afford to do nothing.” The second version of what the man says: “What kind of lawyer/teacher/businessman are you? Are you kidding? Stay at home, cook, raise the kids, and everything will be fine. You’re not capable of anything more.”

How to notice in time that something is going wrong?

The psychologist recommends taking an honest look at your relationship from an outside perspective. If you can’t seek psychological help , at least tell your story to a friend, relative, or someone else. Observations from the outside will help you understand what’s really going on.

According to Korolik, the film “My King,” starring Vincent Cassel, vividly illustrates the cycle of abusive relationships. An all-consuming affair with a charming man leads to an unhealthy relationship and dire consequences.

It’s difficult to spot an abuser during the courtship stage, the psychologist notes. Anyone can fall into the clutches of an abuser.

“If you’ve been in this kind of relationship, the likelihood of it happening again is quite high unless you’ve recognized how you fell into this trap. Experience in abusive relationships can help you recognize when something is wrong. However, if you’re still inexperienced in relationships, recognizing abuse can be difficult,” says Korolik.

People who understand their personal boundaries are less likely to find themselves in abusive relationships. If you sense when your boundaries are being violated, something inside you will “ring,” suspicion will arise, and you’ll want to see the situation from an outside perspective. For people with a poor sense of boundaries, no alarm bells will ring. And the realization of a dire situation comes only when you’re already in the lurch. Furthermore, it’s easier for people with an unstable home base or no home base at all to fall under the influence of an abuser. For example, if you’re on bad terms with your family, the abuser understands that you’ll have nowhere to go.

How to escape from an abuser?

If you realize you’re dealing with an abuser, the first step is to find support. It could be a friend, a colleague, or a relative. If necessary, make peace with loved ones and reestablish old ties. You need to have somewhere to go.

Also, don’t be afraid to look up information about abusive relationships online, or read about it in books.

You also need to consider the material aspect. Start saving cash.

“It’s important to think through an escape plan. Because leaving the first time is very difficult. You need to figure out where to go, how much money you’ll need, how to arrange for help… Statistically, women only leave abusive relationships after the seventh attempt,” Korolik said.

According to her, the first thing psychologists pay attention to when working with victims of abuse is the issue of a person’s boundaries. This applies to both their partner and their child or parents.

“When a person realizes this problem, their world begins to crumble. And this is a normal process, but it must be overcome. When you finally feel the bottom beneath your feet, psychologists help you push off from that bottom, providing support and faith in your own strength,” Korolik added.

You can seek help from specialists at foundations and organizations that help victims of violence. They operate shelters where you can stay for a while.