Who are good parents?
According to Winnicott, being a good parent requires being present in a child’s life. This means being physically present with them.
Normal parent-child relationships are described by the concept of “holding”, which means “support” in English.
A parent’s job is to create favorable conditions for their child’s development, provide a sense of security and protection, and help them explore the world. This way, they can successfully separate from their parents and begin an independent adult life.
So what does it take to be a good parent?
Tolerate your child’s emotions without being overwhelmed by aggression. Children scream and cry; that’s normal.
Winnicott says: “The most remarkable characteristic of a mother is her willingness to suffer a certain amount of harm from her child, to endure his hatred without being able to repay him in kind, and her ability not to expect rewards that may not come.”
Parents are allowed to make mistakes. A brief separation or even a minor argument with a child is normal. If the parent returns after a short period of time, the relationship is restored. After the stress, the child gains a positive experience: everything returns to normal, the world is safe. What’s more important is not whether the parent caused the problem in the first place, but how they handled the situation afterwards.
Winnicott, in order to better clarify who a “good enough mother” is, also talked about the “ideal mother” and the “bad mother.”
So, a “bad mother” does not establish a relationship with the child, deprives him of support and care, and gives him more freedom and independence than the child can handle.
The “ideal mother,” on the contrary, has a very close relationship with her child, is overprotective of him, and does not let him go, even when the time comes.
This variation, according to Winnicott, is more destructive because it deprives the child of a chance for freedom. The child of a “bad mother” will have a hard time adjusting to life, but will still be able to “see” reality and will be forced to somehow deal with the outside world. But the child of an “ideal mother” always remains hostage to their mother’s personality.
Below we will list the qualities that help establish communication with the “little man”.
- Show empathy in your communication. It’s important to put yourself in your child’s shoes, understand their experiences, and recognize their cues and reactions.
- Try to cope with children’s tantrums more calmly, while remaining emotionally close without distancing yourself.
- A close bond between children and both parents is crucial. For a child to be able to form close relationships with others in the future, they need to experience a healthy attachment, formed through a relationship with their mother, their first significant partner.
- It’s important to give your child the confidence that they are loved and valued. Treat them with respect: don’t order them around or lecture them, but rather guide them, helping them figure things out on their own. This is how a child learns to respect themselves.
- Parents are role models for their children. Parenting should be done with the necessary firmness, but never with excessive severity: teach children to manage their emotions and understand how to respond to others’.
- Parents also need to be consistent. Don’t tell a child one thing and then do another. It’s important for all family members to be honest with themselves, each other, and their children. If you’ve assured a child of something, or promised them something, you need to keep your word. Otherwise, the child may develop distrustful and dishonest tendencies.
- Good parents can and do enjoy life. By interacting with their children in their free time or by curiously observing their games, they help them understand the importance of enjoying life.
- Teach your child to treat others with respect and show empathy. This will provide your children with the necessary conditions to grow up to be harmonious and kind individuals.